Masturbation Etiquette

Every so often, I run across an Internet forum where people discuss how to stop masturbating. Now, I happen to think these people are misguided, but neither do I think everyone should just jack off whenever they feel like it. So here are my recommendations on how, where, and when to masturbate. These are written from a heterosexual male perspective; please adjust for your preferences.

It’s okay. Masturbation is sex with someone who knows exactly what you like and is always in the mood when you are. But since you’re not going to marry yourself, it’s not premarital sex, so it’s not even a sin.

Don’t do it in public. Masturbation is like defecating: we all know you do it, and we’re fine with that, but we just don’t want to watch you doing it. Or if we do, we can find the right web sites.

Don’t do it in the morning unless you’re sure that you have time to wash up, get dressed, and make it to work on time.

Don’t do it too often. If you’re feeling sore, stop and try again in a few hours or days.

Don’t masturbate instead of having sex. This is the most important rule. If your SO might be looking forward to dinner with you, it would be rude to come home and say, “No thanks, I stopped for a burger on the way home.” Likewise, it’s rude to masturbate if your sweetie might want to make love. If, on the other hand, she’s sound asleep after you’ve gone at it three times and you’re still horny, then hey, have at it (assuming she’s okay with it, of course).