Dear Fox News pundits and assorted wingnuts,
I assume that this year, as has become tradition, you will once again be talking up the War On Christmas™. Since I am a liberal godless atheist who supports both separation of church and state and the ACLU, presumably this makes us enemies in this war.
So I thought I’d let you know how I plan to wage war on Christmas.
Oh, I know, giving information to the enemy is usually treasonous, but Christmas is the season for giving, so what the hey. Pull up a yule log and I’ll tell you all my plans. I won’t even make you eggnog-board me.
The overall strategy will be to secularize Christmas. Instead of mounting a full frontal assault on Christmas, subvert it by turning it from a religious holiday into a secular one. I won’t be going to church or praying (though since I already don’t do those things, this doesn’t really count for the War On Christmas™).
Instead, I’ll put up a Christmas tree, a pagan symbol of the rebirth of nature and the lenthening of the days. It will be topped by a star instead of an angel, because at the after-Christmas sale at the garden center a few years ago stars were 50% off, while the only angels they had left were both expensive and tacky. And instead of hanging crosses and Jesuses on the tree, I’ll be decorating with glass balls, tinsel, and ornaments that have been given to me by friends and relatives over the years, and which hold sentimental value.
Instead of celebrating the birth of the savior, I’ll be scolding the cats as they compete to see who can knock down the most ornaments, eat the most tinsel, and chew up the most ribbon.
Instead of watching Christmas services on TBN, I’ll be watching secular films like A Christmas Story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and James Bond movies (don’t ask).
In true scab fashion, I’ll be doing my Christmas shopping at stores that say “Happy Holidays”. And also stores that say “Merry Christmas”. Because frankly, I don’t really care what they say. I normally assume that retailers are in it for the money, and that they’d gladly say “Joyous Solstice” and hire people to dress up as the Flying Spaghetti Monster and let kids sit on their lap if it would increase sales. But most importantly I can’t be bothered to check anyone’s list before going shopping. I have better things to do with my time.
And since Jesus is not the “reason for the season” to me, I won’t just be celebrating a corrupt, secularized version of Christmas. I’ll be getting together with friends for the solstice, and perhaps even a Festivus party.
You have, of course, played right into our hands by promoting the commercial aspects of Christmas. If you were truly concerned about Christmas losing its meaning, you would follow in the footsteps of Charles Schulz and decry the fact that stores are pushing Christmas as a commercial event, and not a religious commemoration of Jesus. The more children grow up associating Christmas with presents instead of mass, the more secular the holiday will become.
Your defeat is imminent. You cannot prevail against forces you have helped unleash and cannot hope to control. Now, would you like some cookies and a hot toddy?